Final Fantasy 7's Collection of Short Stories
by Mischievious Moogle
Summary: I've found interesting stories and put the Final Fantasy 7 cast into them. See what hilarious stories they are and what can happen! Warning: Slight OOCness at times!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy 7 or anything like that. This is a collection of short stories I thought were hilarious and felt that it would be fun to placethe charactersin a similar scenario. I want to thank the people who told me these stories/jokes and let me use them! I give you all the credit for these! Enjoy!

Collection of Short Stories: Chp1

**Story 1: Wishes**

Elena, Reno, and Rude had gotten lost in a forest on a mission. It has been six days, and all three Turks were tired and hungry. They were out of food and water. Just as they had given up hope, Rude tripped over a genie's lamp. "Excellent! Now we could have three wishes!", Elena said. The genie came out of the lamp and told them all together, they have three wishes. "Alright, I'll go first. I wish I went home", Rude said. The genie zapped him and he went home. "I wish I was home", Elena said. Again, the genie zapped him and he was sent home. Reno sighed. "Gee, I'm so lonely. I wish my friends were here again", he sighed.

**Story 2: Candy**

Marlene walked into a candy shop. "Hello, little lady", the old salesclerk said, "What'll it be today?". "One gil's worth of chocolates, please", Marlene said as sweetly as she could. The old man looked on the shelf and the chocolates were on the top. He took a ladder and set it up. The old man climbed up to the top and got one gil's worth of chocolate. "Here you go", he said, handing it to Marlene. Marlene giggled and skipped out of the store.

Next person was Aeris. She happily walked into the store. "Hello!", she chirped. The old man smiled. "Hello, miss! What'll it be today?", the old man asked. "One gil's worth of chocolates, please", she said innocently. The old man sighed and got his ladder again. He climbed up, got the chocolates, and gave them to Aeris. "Thank you!", she said and skipped out of the shop.

The third person was Denzel. "Hey, old man", he said as he walked into the store. "Hello, young man! What'll it be?", the salesclerk asked. "One gil's worth of chocolates", Denzel said. The old man, yet again, got onto his ladder and got the chocolates. He tossed them down to Denzel, who caught them easily. "Thanks", he said and walked out. The old man sat down on the top step of the ladder, waiting for his next customer.

His final customer was Yuffie. "Hello young lady!", the old man called out. "Hey, gramps!", Yuffie called back. "Lemme guess, one gil's worth of chocolates, right?", the old man asked. Yuffie shook her head. "No, not today!", she said. The old man climbed down and put the ladder away. "Then, what'll it be?", the man asked happily. Yuffie grinned and said, "Today I would like _two _gil's worth of chocolate, please!".

**Story 3: Speed Trap**

A police officer spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that two guys were inside (Cloud and Sephiroth), and they looked wide-eyed and terribly pale.

The driver, Zack, told him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Sir," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous."

"I beg to differ, Officer, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour" Zack argued.

The officer, chuckling, explained to him that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, Zack grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out his error.

"But before I let you go, Sir, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These guys seem awfully shaken."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute," Zack said. "We just got off Route 119."

**Story 4: Bank**

Barret decided that Marlene should get something 'practical' for her birthday.

"Suppose we open a savings account for you?" Barret suggested. Marlene was delighted.

"It's your account, Marlene," Barret said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."

Marlene was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your former bank.' After a slight hesitation, she smiled and put down 'Piggy.'

**Story 5: Sephiroth's Childhood Books**

1."Strangers Have the Best Candy"

2."The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"

3."What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"

4."Why can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Socket be friends?"

5."Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games"

6."The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"

7."Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"

8."The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"

9."How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School"

10."Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear" (His personal favorite)


	2. Chapter 2

Collection of Short Stories: Chp2

**Story 6: Puzzles**

Barret and Tifa were serenely watching the clouds roll by on the roof of the Seventh Heaven. "This is peaceful, isn't it, Barret?", Tifa asked. Barret nodded. Just then, Cloud charged in, holding a jigsaw puzzle. "Guys! Guys! I've made a world record!", he shouted excitedly. "Congratulations, Cloud!", Tifa said. "I don't believe it! What did you do?", Barret asked doubtfully. Cloud held up a puzzle. "I solved this puzzle in only six days!", he said proudly. "So?", said Barret. Cloud scoffed and said, "The box said 4-5 years!".

**Story 7:****Kiss per Yard **

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, Elena asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied Elena. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out. Elena snapped up the package and pointed to the tall, bald Turk standing beside her. "Rude will pay the bill," she smiled.

**Story 8: Six Cups of Coffee **

Denzel was really, really excited. Tifa had given him a mission: to go out and buy coffee for everyone. Probably just a chore to keep him busy and out of the house so she could clean up the mess he had recently made, but he was still excited nonetheless.

He walked into a nearby coffee shop carrying a large thermos. When the counterman finally noticed him, he held up the thermos.

"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" he asked. The counterman looked at the thermos, hesitated for a few seconds, then finally said, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."

"Good," Denzel said. "Give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."

**Story 9: Wrong Number **

Reno was casually taking a stroll around the Shinra buildingand hearda cell phone ring. Renoanswers itand the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?"

"Honey, It's me."

"Sugar!"

"Are you at work?"

"Yes."

"Great! I'm at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat. It is absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it using your credit card?"

"What's the price?"

"Only 15,000 gil"

"Well, okay, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much."

"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the car dealership and saw the newest models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since I need to exchange the car that you bought me last year..."

"What price did he quote you?"

"Only 6,000 gil!"

"Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great! Before we hang up, something else..."

"What?"

"It might seem like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...well, I stopped by to see the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house I had looked at last year. It's on sale! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."

"How much are they asking?"

"Only 450,000 gil... a magnificent price, and I see that you have that much in the bank to cover it for me..."

"Well, then go ahead and buy it for yourself, but just bid 420,000 gil, OK?"

"Okay, sweetie. Thanks! I'll see you later! I love you!"

"Bye."

Reno hangs up and gives the phone a curious look. "I wonder who this phone belongs to".

**Story 10: Tifa's 25 Step Brownie Recipe**

1. Remove Marlene's teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.

2.Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.

3. Remove teddy bear from oven again and tell Marlene "No, no. Teddy does not belong in the oven"

4. Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.

5. Take shortening can away from Denzel and clean cupboards.

6. Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.

7. Take shortening can away from Denzel again and try to calm Cid down.

8.Try to make Denzel and Marlene forget the words Cid shouted while trying to get the shortening out of his hair.

9. Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.

10. Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.

11. Take telephone away from Denzel and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.

12. Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.

13. Let Cait Sith out of refrigerator.

14. Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13 inch pan. Bake 25 minutes.

15. Rescue Nanaki and take razor away from Denzel.

16.Explain to kids that you have no idea if a shaved Nanaki will sunburn.

17. Let Nanaki outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away.

18. Frosting--Mix the following in saucepan: 1 cup sugar 1 oz unsweetened chocolate 1/4 cup margarine.

19. Take the second teddy bear out of the broiler and throw it away -- far away.

20. Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Denzel had slipped out of the house and was trying to sell Yuffie's materia to other children.

21. Put Denzel in his room and threaten to take away his video games if he does it again.

22. Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.

23. Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Marlene having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.

24. Put Marlene in a separate room let her think about what she's done.

25. Remove burned brownies from oven and enjoy.


	3. Chapter 3

_Collection of Short Stories: Chp 3_

**Story 11: Future Baseball Star **

Denzel was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat. "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced. Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed. "Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!". He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed.

"Strike Two!" he cried.

Denzel then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully.

He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more,

"I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"

Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed.

"Strike Three!"

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"

**Story 12:Flower Switch **

A new business was opening, and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site, and the owner read the card, which said, "Rest in Peace."

The owner was angry and called the florist, Aeris, to complain.

After he told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, Aeris replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: Somewhere there is a funeral taking place, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.'"

**Story 13: Cid Wins the Lottery**

Cid buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number.

Cid says, "I want my $20 million."

To which the man replied, "No sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today, and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.

Cid said, "I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it."

Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

Cid, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I WANT MY #&$ MONEY! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, THEN I WANT MY $ DOLLAR BACK!''

**Story 14: Kittens**

Marlene went with Barret to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, she breathlessly informed Tifa there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" Tifa asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," she replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom"

**Story 15: Marlene's Advice for Other Children**

1. Never trust a dog to watch your food.

2. When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?', don't answer.

3. Never tell Tifa her diet's not working.

4. Stay away from prunes.

5. Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to.

6. When Tifa is mad at Cloud, don't let her brush your hair.

7. Never agree to play baseball in the house with weird looking marbles.

8. A puppy always has bad breath--even after eating a Tic-Tac.

9. Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.

10. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

11. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

12. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a chocobo.

13. Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick.

14. Don't talk to silver-haired people. They're weird.

15. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to Tifa when she's on the phone.

16. Never try to baptize a cat.


End file.
